Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Program – 12 steps.

One of several part of my search for truth or wholeness have been also via several kinds of  anonymous 12 steps groups that had helped me to discovered the reality of myself and family background and loving God.
I think that it was my dear sister Inge, who told to me once about  the codependency and so I discovered Pia Mellody and Melody Beattie books  on this theme from the library. One of my interest topic is psychology so when I got first M.Beattie book Codependency No More, I  began to read it and  I realized that I might have some of characteristics of it like wish to control my own life. As I wanted to know more of it,  I decided to join with CoDA Estonia email group in 26th January 2009.
Sometimes those 12 step groups make so called united spring or summer days where is attending members from different 12 step groups. So in May at same year I saw the description of similar event of spring days  coming outside of Tallinn and I decided to check it out as I felt that I am on the journey.
So in those spring days at 2009,    I had privilege to  attend in my first Al-Anon and AcoA meeting and there, for the first time of my life, I began to realize that  my mom little comfort  drinking might had affected it  how she had taken care of me in my childhood. 
 After that realization I started to visit firstly both groups- Al-Anon and ACoA -until I realized that ACoA is  more for me because really  I had grown up in  dysfunctional family which contained father with  his mentally illness and problems of his childhood and mom developed Al-Anon from her first 10 years marriage with  full time alcoholic and then with my dad in her “new life”. Both of them was children of the war time at 1944.

Then I heard more about other 12 step programs like OA, DA/UA, SA and SLAA and they all had helped me to work out issues of my life together with help of God. I believe that those programs are one of tool of God to help people find Him as with working steps from different aspects in different 12 steps groups is possible to grow spiritually and discover more about God. I consider for myself those programs as my second spiritual home beside Heaven as my real home (See Phil.3:20) and my home church as first spiritual home (See Heb 10:25).

Thursday, April 18, 2013

My "birthing experience" and what was before it.

In the book of  Psalms, David says about himself,  From birth I have relied on You;
  You brought me forth from my mother’s womb ( See Ps 71:6 NIV). In shortly, this my coming to this earth contains also lot of relying on God as i shared in that part where my earthly half brother encouraged me and as I will share in this story also.
As evidence or proof  of this Scripture of the Old Testament, some years ago according to the leading of the Lord, I  met with  one lady,  whom late on as came out that she  was  my mom`s midwife and look over her during the time when she  was pregnant with me and  help her to carry me forth into this earth and little bit afterwards too. Enough my mom shared with some details, she did not said all and  thru this midwife I got more details concerning my mom pregnance time and my „coming to the earth“.

So according to the earthly time frame, my biological mum and dad conceived my physical body around 18th January 1984 (gregorian calendar) / 8th Shevat 5744 (hebrew calendar).  Number 18 - number of 9- number of nine fruit of spirit and number  8 - number of new beginning - right it spoke to me that for my mum to have me it was new beginning as she had  desired it while she got married with my dad.  Of course I do not know what was going on in my mother`s head while she got knew that she is pregnant.  But I am sure that she had lot of feelings as she have had one abortion before getting pregnant with me - in one word  it means to her   going thru lot of challenges.

  Concerning meaning of numbers, the month of shevat in hebrew religious calendar is 11th month and  number 11 is related with prophetic.  And so   I am not suprised anymore why I feel myself  more connected with  prophetic  than something else.

But  this  story itself begins from time, when my litte physical body had been maybe 11 weeks old in my mom womb  and   some doctors had discovered in  my mom`s body  some health problems and other doctors of my mom were recommending to my mom to make abortation.

But the gyneacologist of my mom who was looking after his pregnancy, heard from God that He is saying to her:”I want that this child remain alive.” She had been already child of God for three and half years  and it was during this Effata awaking time here in Estonia. I supposed that God might talk to her during the time, when she was in her office and just  had heard about conversations of other doctors about my mom case concerning my mom health situation. She didn`t remember that clearly right now because of memories issues but I suppose that as child of God in that time,  she  was praying which kind of decision to make - because making abortion to christian doctor is still hard- when Lord spoke with her about remaining me alive.

After, when she had  heard that from the Lord, she asked from the Lord wisdom, how to do it and then firstly talked with my mom and asked if she  really wants to keep her child or not. Because my mom somehow trusted her doktor ( what was unusual because usually my mom did not trusted doctors), she shared with her that she wanted to keep me and also  this that his lungs doctor wanted her to make abortation; and that  she don`t want to be killer. This reality seemed to be clear  now to her because actually she had experienced one abortation already in her past.
Then after talking with my mom, this doctor said to this board of doctors, who decided about abortation that they must say no and gave her arguments to them.
In this hospidal this gyneacologist was known as strong doctor, who was specialized for  pathological  pregnancies - ie pregnancies, what is medically complicated - and also other doctors in Central Hospital of Tallinn knew, that if she said something then they supposed to hear her and actually, there was somekind of respect towards her because of his past near death experiences.
So by guidance of Lord, what He gave to this gyneacologist I remain alive.
My mom was in that hospidal  two times before giving birth to me because of her health - she had asthmatic bronchitis and maybe something else more what I don`t know.

So it was knewn that this gyneacologist will be doctor who receive me into this world because of her specialization to pathological pregnancies. When my mom pregnancy time was full she put her to hospital one week before real time, 12th October as was placed date for it.

I was born in city of Tallinn, hospidal called Central Hospidal. According to one hospidal book where all children who born at that time, were written down my birth time 22.10 (my mom told me that it was 21.50) 18th October 1984 in gregorian calendar. In hebrew calendar it is 22th  Tishri 5745 – at that time was feast of  Shmini Atzeret, 8th day of feast of Tabernacles. I know that number 9  is related with Gal 5:22-23 nine fruit of spirit and  22 is somehow related with Ps 22 .

 But how it all happened is really  story itself because this situation of my birthing had been very complicated.  This midwafe of mom said that there was been full team of doctors who all needed to do something here with me and my mom.
she said also that during that time, when I came out from womb, this umbilical cord, what connects mother with child, had been  three times around my neck and because of my mom breathing problems she got oxygen mask into his face. So she and another team needed to deal with me and my mom alternatively because there is full process how this umbilical cord have to cut off.  Interestingly, even the Bible confirm it because in book of Ecclesiates had said that threefold cord is not so easy to cut off (Ecc.4:12).
She said that also there had been moment after cutting this umbilical cord away, when I had not started breathing with my own lungs but then she had done something - maybe gave me too this oxygen mask - and I had began to breathe.
At that time when I was born, this hospidal was in transition- because their own building renovation, the birthing department  of Central hospidal were in Mustamäe hospidal – when I reviewed it from brief history book of Tallinn Central hospidal (1997:52), I realised the prophetic thing behind it. I have always wondered why I am often close to the end or beginning of some thing and this thing explains it. I was born in period of transition.

At this point of time, when I got knew all  of the details 28 years later from this gyneacologist and researched through internet about it, I learned that this case with umbilical cord around child`s neck might be very dancerous situation to both, mom and child.  For example there might happen that child`s brain get damaged because of lack of oxygen and he or she can`t talk or do not start to walk.
So when I read this information, it made me very thankful to God because by His grace and skillful midwife, I can talk normally with my mouth and walk normally.
Yes I got one little birth trauma with my back and during that time gyneacologist organized that I got special splint under my back for some months. Because I analyzed all of it in therapy where  this gyneacologist  attended too, then she said that it had grow together but for making sure I might see the doctor what I will do in future.
 So that was my birthing story and now after when God had reminded it to me in the Berlin Burn worship meeting, 2010 October, I made picture about it.